This is a CELEBRATORY VIDEO for MYSELF. This is a selfish video where I celebrate and reflect on the past and acknowledge I’ve survived so much stuff. I am a survivor and how FFXIV really helped me get over those hurdles.
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Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
1:29 Meaning of Cole Evyx?
2:02 Leaving Medicine
5:17 Software + Neuroscience = Scientific Career?
7:30 Cole The Disappointment
8:20 FFXIV Saves The Day– Again.
8:59 Enter the Man that DEVASTATED My Life
11:03 Exams To Get Into Computing Science
12:13 Computing Science and lingering trauma
14:40 Sympathy? I was used on social media to show how virtuous they were
17:27 Why have I been scared to stream?
18:39 FFXIV To the Rescue– Again
19:15 First Job!? I’m Saved…? Nope.
19:41 Returning to School
20:12 Biggest Regret of My Life
23:04 My past Ex… Cheated on and left for dead when I couldn’t give him money
24:55 The Annihilation of what I Made… AGAIN…
26:17 Death of the old me
28:50 No fight left to fight; no life left to live.
31:26 The kindling to the fire
33:02 Cole Evyx — The Phoenix from the Ashes
35:03 I survived
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Hello. First of all, thank you for sharing so many vulnerable details about yourself and your history. I appreciate you and your content so much as a new FF14 player who similar to you started playing and exploring the community there after several life missteps and tumultuous turns both personally and professionally. Anyway, I won’t claim to understand your POV from what your lived experience is, but I do relate on just how this game and each expansion (especially SB and ShB) really spoke to me and broke me in a time that I really needed to find meaning among the mess. And as a fellow queer player, I love it when I see queer content creators develop and mark their presence in this world. Anyway, I celebrate your declaration for surviving and taking steps to forge a new journey for you. <3
Big hugs (if thats ok) you are great cole
These personal videos are what really differentiates you from other creators which I really appreciate! Significance also shouldn't be the only measure of success either as being able to stand up the way you have is pretty damn impressive! Inspirational!
you're NOT a loser, you're NOT dumb, you're YOU! i have tried, done, and failed at things more times than i care to remember, but i made it through and i'm happy. you do you and i (and others) am proud of you! thank you for sharing your story. continue the great work!
You’ve easily become one of my favorite content creators dude can’t even fathom how you’ve dealt with all of this time!! You’re an inspiration man. No matter what KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!!
I'm always worried I'll say something wrong when I reply/comment but for what it's worth, you're doing great man.
I know you said that this isn't for sympathy, but I must say this video was fucking brave. I got a sense of who I perceived you are through your videos and also Twitter, and this explained a lot. Not that it's any of my business but I get even more now the fact that streaming is so terrifying, having your face public considering all the bs you faced in your private life and how garbage humans found you on Reddit. So much happened to you so young and you found a way to rise again and keep going, I'm amazed.
The feeling like a failure hit home but also comments. I only started commenting recently and just on your platform and another channel because I find it overwhelming and stressful that people will see it.
Legit shortened and change this comment for so long (because I explained too much and this is not a conversation) that I don't remember when I started, so I really relate.
The only thing I'll say about the gay community is if I arrive/see a place and only gay man are here, well, bitch bye. We're a very diverse and large community if there is only one type of people it isn't really an open space for all. I actually use Queer or LGBTQ+ community because there are more than us the gays. Don't know that was your case but I've heard enough tale like that.
To know your qualities doesn't mean you're vain or prideful, it's actually really good that you can see all those things about you. I mean yeah you're cute and that's a fact so… yeah.
I'm glad I found this channel, it feels really like a safe and cosy space.
Thanks for sharing your story
Thanks for sharing your inner thoughts. We are all more similar than you think and I can relate to some things you said. I really appreciate you sharing your life experiences and I empathise with you. For me I really started living life to its fullest when I stopped caring too much about what others think of me and I stopped waiting for a knight in shining armour to come save me. Now I just enjoy the simple things in life and I don't sweat the small stuff. ☺️
I'm sorry that so many people have let you down and betrayed your trust. I also tend to use dark, morbid humor to comfort yourself, but be careful about these negative comments because the more you rehearse the bad stuff the easier it is to genuinely feel that way. Be kind to yourself and remember that a valid, worthwhile life isn't measured by your degree or career or even your money, ultimately you are the only person who has to live with your feelings and none of the material success matters if you are miserable, so your priority should be your mental health and self respect, and screw what anyone else thinks.
So glad that FF has done as much for you as it has for me.
I know it isn't the focus of your channel, but I'm thankful to you for being a LGBT FFXIV creator. You're a great content creator, and in such a good place now, so it'll only get better!
i really relate to this, my life has been hard and i can and will admit that. i’m a victim of horrible CSA, from four years old, and i suffer from dissociative identity disorder, psychosis and CPTSD, and everyday feels like a struggle and a fight. it feels hellish, even getting therapy, and with medication. but you’ve made it this far, and so have i, and so have hundreds of thousands of people, and a lot of them are playing XIV. i understand what you meant about shb feeling therapeutic in a weird cathartic kind of way. and thank you for making it this far! i love your videos so much, honestly.
People can be seriously vile sometimes my skin crawls hearing all you endured. But I’m also happy you are here making amazing content from a game I also love.
Truly this game saved my sanity during quarantine, I met so many new awesome people through it that it’ll always have a place in my heart ❤️.
I’m sending you lots of good wishes and vibes 😊. And I’ll look forward to seeing more of your videos in the future 😁.
Can relate. FFXIV is my coping mechanism. (I'm a woman btw) I used to pity myself for not having family or anyone I can confine to until I play FFXIV. Doesn't mean I don't have real-life friends, in fact I hang out with them a lot, but when it comes into something too deep emotionally, I don't feel like I want to bother anyone then I got so attached with my WoL. It's specifically my WoL as I prefer to play solo in FFXIV, I even write my diaries as if I write letters for her and I write on days I don't play just to tell her how I do. She's the reason I can toughen up to end a toxic relationship, I can brave problems at work, the reason I even work hard is so I can keep subbing and play with her (yes, I consider it as playing with her, not as her), when I have problem I'd always think what would my WoL do if it was her and it helps keeping me calm and solve it well. My current bf is a very good person but still my WoL has a special place in my heart. She was there with me the longest and never leave me even once since I met her through the thick and thin of my life. In fact, probably I'm the one who left her a lot, when I have new games, or going holiday, busy with real world, my bf, etc. I would sometimes leave her for weeks but she will always be my home I long to come back to.
🦁🧡🙏🏼
Love you Cole and I love and enjoy your content! I love that you love ff14 as much as the community does! Live your best life. Hugs 🤗
Im sorry for all the pain you went through and Im happy you’re around dude.
As someone who’s endured a similar experience since childhood, I understand the pain, anger, resentment, and challenges you go through. Don’t let anyone tell you that there’s a right and wrong way to feel; your feelings are valid and you have every right to feel them. I do hope you’re getting help processing how to move forward, but you’ve taken the right steps so far. As long as you have supportive people on your side, it doesn’t matter their number; it’s all about quality over quantity and it sounds like you have someone in your corner now. Kudos! 🙂
Hiya Cole, saw this via Asmons Twitter. Never even touched FF but I just saw your tweet. I just wish you the best and I hope you can find that right person. Like everyone else has most undoubtedly felt, people just faded away after time. Feeling that loneliness was the worst and I had some dark days. But with help from the pros and meeting just that one friend that truly cares really helped. I wish you peace and success.
You freaking go man, as someone who has suffered similarly I feel you undersell yourself and what you've overcome. You survived things that would destroy others. You've been dropped into pits of mind numbing horror and clawed your way out. You deserve every bit of praise and support that you've received, which is a concept I myself still struggle to understand. People applaud those who survive the gauntlet of recovering from and living with the physical side of an amputation, it's still hard for those who are scarred mentally to experience the understanding and empathy of others because it's not that visible. That being said, those of us who have been where you are or adjacent to where you are are out here and I for one am here to see that flag of yours whip in the wind (and I'd be happy to hold that flag up when the wind dies down time to time). You've got this!
<3<3<3
Hey Cole, I painted a Troll Miniature that I’m super proud of (paint job) and I’m the sentimental type that loves to name everything I create/own. I think naming him ‘Cole’ would be a nice idea, he’s got a big badass weapon, a cool persona and some dope garments wrapped around him. I’d love to send you a photo of it too if possible.
Also keep up the good work and love how you own your past and aren’t running from it, be the champion you are and fck a mthrfkr who can’t handle your swag.