I deserve better, and I will make it so. Thank you for the memories, next stop is my own happiness.
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Timestamps:
0:00 Regret
2:13 PTSD and trying my best
3:00 Impostor Syndrome
3:46 My achievements and who I am
6:19 Social Media made it just so much worse
8:00 Ethics and Money
8:50 My day job is less toxic
9:09 Crabs in a bucket
10:00 When Asmongold comes back watch what happens
11:09 I wonder what Asmongold thinks
11:42 I don’t enjoy this anymore
13:00 Lovebombing and then Ghosting
13:41 It’s hurting my real life job
14:48 My Better Half
15:43 Future Plans for the Channel
Hey guys it’s Cole.
Let me start off by thanking you for taking the time to click on this video and hear me out, that means genuinely more than I could put into words– so thank you.
I want to talk about my failure and genuine shame in todays video and the larger sphere of content creation and my plans moving forward. This has nothing to do with the game itself, I love final fantasy 14 and will continue to talk about it but in my way going forward. My problems lay more generally with social media and actual people and social relationships which obviously hurt and are more meaningful than just a video game. Lately there have been events that have been exceptionally painful and combined together with my PTSD, impostor syndrome and general shame frankly that spark of joy, excitement and fun went out for a while there. What started as bliss became an open wound people would start to fill with dirt and acid as I asked myself what did I do so painfully wrong? Or who did I do wrong and why do I deserve this?
But about that intro line. It’s changed up a few times lately but I’ve settled on this one.
I’m going to say Cole from now on rather than Evyx that because honestly that’s my actual name and that’s what this entire channel has been about since it’s inception– me just having fun and wanting to give back to a community that honestly saved my life during the darkest period of my life.
(And I kid you not yeah it unfortunately really was that bad like one example in that tapestry of despair was physical essay that left me coming home on a bus covered across even my face and neck let alone my body in spinach. That’s just one thing but people will question what I mean by bad and I mean bad bad and that’s just the start of it.)
But I’m not going to rehash the events because things get dark and people don’t enjoy that so let me simply say it was all so bad I have genuine PTSD that makes literally anything I do like 5 times harder to do. Literally everything is harder to do. In spite of the PTSD I’ve tried my absolute best, I can genuinely in earnest say I’ve tried so hard and got so far I still persevered and objectively accomplished a lot I am proud of, or what I want to say I am proud of. If someone else did the same as I have I’d sing their praises without fail, but for myself? That’s nothing. In the end it didn’t even matter.
One thing that becomes especially hard is being able to even recognize what I’ve done. I don’t feel better than people, I feel subhuman. I always feel less than.
Even without social media I remember I was in one of my therapist’s offices listing out my accomplishments and she noticed that I can list them out very matter of factly but I feel nothing. Which the impostor syndrome is so intensely deeply real for me. I have tried to celebrate my achievements but it has no weight for me no validity for me.
Like who am I?
I hold down a job as a full time software developer during the day, a career that I genuinely found stimulating and I’m looking at taking my next steps in, little over 5 years in it now. I’ve worked on FDA regulated medical devices for years where I was held to objectively pretty wild standards for very fair reasons and I want to take many steps forward in my dreams and aspirations soon.
Through my first degree following the neuroscience program I accomplished so many things and won so many awards and accolades. I’ve been published for my scientific research in pharmacology so many times, and contributed to psychological research in another lab as well. Volunteering helping seniors, helping survivors of the worst traumas I won’t list here with their own trauma, doing cadaver anatomy on real people who donated and I was so skilled at it my work went on to teach medical and dental students.
source
This was a very hard video to make because it is me facing my failure head first. This had to be said/done because it was such a hard mental block for me. I have been mentally blocked to produce content whether it be class guides/video guides/my website. My PTSD and impostor syndrome wouldn't allow me to make an "Ultimate" guide, you know the 1 hour long super guides I used to do. Yeah, this is why. And I'm done with it. I'm SO done with it! I deserve a voice, I deserve love and anyone who disagrees can genuinely just go away! I'm here for me and for fun! Enough is enough! I deserve happiness too!
Im not into the mushy stuff that much , but ill tell you a couple of 1 liner my father told me that stuck with me. Think for yourself or someone else will and who cares about what they are thinking. If you are willing to sell yourself short dont be surprised if people are trying to devalue you. AKA Live proudly , heads up shoulder wide with a straight back and dont take criticism to heart too much. If those people aren't your family or your loved one their PoV doesnt really matter. At work the other day there was a lady that kept complaining about stuff i did , i told her "Lady you aren't my boss , my wife , my mom or my daughter so idgaf about your line of thought". Learn that and ull be good.
Id love if you did more vids about your thots on the story or videos of you (&neymett) playing new content together but I'll always support your channel gurl.Hope you get to feelin better Cole!
I am sorry for you.
And unfortunately there is no way for us to help you with that.
Stay the way you are, we want the Cole we knew and not someone else.
I really have to give you my respect, it must be hard to be so open about this.
I'm sorry to hear you've been going through all this, I hope going forward things get better for you. I wish the best for you and yours. Take care
"Those who care won't matter,
Those who matter won't care."
I don't remember where I heard that quote but it helped me years (and years and years) ago when I came out to my family and friends. It has helped me since, in those times that I was perhaps concerning myself too much with what others thought of me. (Always easier said than done, of course. 🙂
I'm grateful for your videos. I appreciate the time you put in and have learned a lot.
Thank you Cole.
Sending love, hugs and positivity from the West Coast of Canada!
Eres un ídolo Mirabellee.Uno siempre en mi corazón,hermosa,amorl,elecciones,culturales.❤️ Son unos de los mejores conciertos.
Take care and have a great day Cole, you deserve it and more great things in your life =)
please take care of yourself.
First world problems. We get to play video games. We are the luckiest people in the world.
I've seen you struggle for a while as you share on Twitter from time to time. I only have a fraction of the subs that you have and am lucky enough to not have dealt with much negativity at all. It is definitely hard to ignore the numbers and hard not to compare yourself with others, though. YouTube aside, just WOW at your achievements! You really should be proud. As for friendships with other creators… it's definitely a daunting road and may be one that you have to close off for yourself. When I started growing a bit on my channel I kinda felt like I wanted to avoid collabs, even if they'd grow my channel, because I've seen all the drama on YouTube and didn't want to be a part of it. Now, I've actually met a couple genuine creators so that ends up making me worry that if I collab with them but turn down others, people would take it the wrong way >.>. YouTube is def an interesting space to be in, and I think your takeaway is the best — Make the videos YOU want to make, and if you don't enjoy this, then don't do it. After all, it's not like you NEED to considering you have a full time job that actually interests you. Thanks for posting this. I think that lately I've also been feeling caught up in the numbers, so it's a good reminder to take a step back and think about why I do this in the first place. 🙂
I'm here with you! I see you, i hear you. Life is hard, but you got this. I'm rooting for you.
wanting to be safe and secure doesn't make you a ''basic bitch'' it's safe to say that every human wants that… to a certain degree… and I wish you all the best and that your goals in life will be fulfilled, even if it's just wanting to be safe and secure. you deserve that, and so much more 🙂
I am pissed off and sad to hear your voice! I'm sorry…huggs and love to you. Fuck them all.
ya, you got imposter syndrome bad, so I'mma say this once ; the work you do is so SO important! I know that for a fact as someone who grew up with mental health issues. People like you are needed and deserve all the support they can get. You deserve all the support you can get 🙏💓🙏💓
Oh bud, you're a precious bean. Don't let some faceless nobodies ruin your life. You're an amazing person, so stop swimming in the mud. You deserve better, yeah? This is the part, where I'd offer a hug but…mentally in this case, I guess ~
Ok y’all who wants to raid the Twitter serves and burn them down✋
bruh wtf, just turn off the computer ez clap
Will be here for anything you make cat daddy.
I have yet to understand why you listen to them. If you want to see stuff over twitch and don't want to be bothered, just make a new account.
I just want to send support.
Cole, you should take a break. It’s evident that you’re very stressed and it is getting to you. Put yourself first, go on vacation, and then come back when your mind and heart is in a right place so you can decide whether this is really for you. You matter regardless of your accomplishments. ♥️
I hope you find it, Cole. This means very little from an internet stranger, but I really do hope you find it, Cole. Good luck.
Coooooooole…!!! I really appreciate you making this video and sharing your heart with us… This is so raw and relatable as someone who went through triggering relationship/friendship mental abuse and who STRUGGLES connecting with people. I'm also a lowly content creator on YouTube for Genshin Impact content, and I've been meaning to branch out to other games too, and I NEVER want things to be able clout, I just want to make friends and have them not think I'm using them for clout. I always 'ghost' or distance myself when I feel like I've been too annoying or feel like any creator person I try to meet is suspicious of me when I'm overly excited. I know this isn't about me, but I just wanted to share that you are NOT alone with this buddy… If it means anything, I'd love to push past my insecurities (And after some of my own therapy) to some day to connect with you more since I related to you heavily, but this is entirely your call, I don't want to pressure you. I've admired you and your work as you've posted awesome FFXIV content since the Shadowbringers days. I care you a lot Mr. Evix! Take your time to go through the healing process and I'm sorry things have gotten so toxic. Please take care!! ♥
You do you. Do what makes you happy. If making videos or maintaining a channel doesn't make you happy anymore, you don't need anyone's approval to change that. You have support to seek what you want. All the positive vibes being sent your way. ❤️
Well said, Cole. Well said. You DO deserve better.
The biggest fact in life is that it's ultimately a cruel and uncaring experience. People get through it by being together to comfort and bring out the best in life with each other. One of the biggest problems we have now is that we put on a pedestal on getting to the top, even at a great cost of demeaning and belittling other people. It's also important to keep your closest circle as the circle that you keep your values in the most. Value what your loved ones have to say much more over some random dumbass has to quip about you on the internet because their words at the end of the day only ring as loud as you let them. This is something that's harder for some than it is for others, but trying to keep to the values of everyone will make nobody happy. At the end of the day there really isn't much different between me, you, and asmongold. We're all just trying to live our lives to be as happy as we can be. It's what you go to make out of the situations that you experience in life to better yourself and the ones you love. The whole thing with being gay or straight is complete bs since the only real difference between a straight man and a gay man is the person that they love, and in that difference lays a very important similarity that both men love someone and hold them dear to themself. People today hold onto what makes someone different from themself and use it to take it out on someone they see as more or less fortunate than themself. The biggest problem with that is that no one person is gonna thrive by being alone. We need other people in our lives because that's just how people are. I hope you make your channel out to be in your vision and make the content you enjoy and want others to enjoy. The last thing we really need is for everyone to make the same content with only specs of personality to differentiate each video. That'd be one hell of a boring thing to see happen to this site.
It honestly sounds like you might need a break – and i don't think anyone who's watched this video and truly listened would begrudge you that. And least of all
youshouldn't begrudge yourself that if it's what you need.I'm not entirely sure why youtube started showing me your videos, past just being ffxiv content, but I'm genuinely glad it did. Your voice is pleasant to listen to – when you seem to be in a better mood, of course. And your perspectives on issues and such have been interesting.
I truly hope you are able to shut out the awful voices – inside and out – and enjoy what you do. I know it's one thing to say all of that, and another, much harder, thing to be able to follow up on, despite best efforts sometimes. And i wish you all of the best on that and send some good vibes your way.
I know I'm just a stranger online, but with so many of the topics you went into here hitting close to home, i can't help but relate and hope the best for you.
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through rough time. Don't worry about others or trying to make us happy. It's not your job. Your job is to focus on yourself. Have you considering the possibilities that this is a spiritual issue? That you may want to try seek something, like higher purpose or values that you may find content and purpose in your life? Perhaps that will help you with whatever you're dealing with, something that we don't understand ourselves?
Can someone point me to a video that will help me understand what is going on?
I don't normally leave comments but I do genuinely enjoy your content and would like to help in some small way, if possible. As someone who is a bit older, I would look at what you call failures as life experiences to learn and grow from. We generally go through life making the best choices we can at the time, it's easy to look back and think of how you could have done it better but as long as you are learning and growing from those experiences I feel you shouldn't beat yourself up about them. I truly hope that these experiences help you see what is truly important to you and that you will find genuine happiness.