This video is discussing a term I coined called “Social Death”, used to describe the past year or so I’ve spent in XIV.
I’m doing okay, I’ve been building my confidence back up to step forward into new communities and revive my social self in XIV.
Thank you to all the people I can call a friend.
I stream on twitch sometimes: https://twitch.tv/dusklow
BGM for the video was arranged by the lovely Alex Moukala: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evpSdvrGYtI
source
I'm blown away by the reception on this video, thank you to all the comments and kind words! I hope talking about it might help you, like making this video has helped me. I've got plans for some more essay-style content I'm going to be working on soon, about MSQ and some other topics in the same vein as this one.
A few things I'd like to clarify for anybody watching this in the future:
– You do not need friends to raid, I generally wouldn't recommend going into raiding as a friend group if you're serious about your progression and improvement. Casual friend raiding is fine too, and in my experience is a lot of fun! I like to be friends with the people in my statics as I feel it helps our group have good synergy and motivation to clear together. Clearing with people you've been through blood sweat and tears for is unlike anything else.
– This can also be applied to real life, but other people in XIV don't define you. I really do think this game is worth so much more than the shit other people might give you in your time playing. I haven't let other people ruin it for me, I'm just worn out from things not always going well. Fuck em.
Thank you for watching my video <3
I'm fairly lucky in that I've only run into this once in FF14. As a new player I was adopted into a small FC that I spent quite a bit of time just hanging out with which helped me actually stick to the game long enough to get hooked. Eventually most of the FC stopped playing because of personal life and I kinda ended up spending the next 6 months or so solo, eventually turning to Twitch and stumbling upon the community that I'm in. Luckily it's been 2 years of being part of this group with no signs of any "social death", with the static I was recruited to through the community is still doing weekly reclears of 12S. I'm especially lucky in this regard since rather than any sort of drama the static has resulted in actual friendships where we just kinda hang out outside of raid, doing other content and even other games. With any luck it'll stick around!
This randomly came across my recommendations a few days ago and now that I've finally gotten around to watching it, it's really gotten me thinking about my own issues and misgivings with my own situation in the game. For the first few years I played I was a bit of a loner and was fine with it, but in Shadowbringers I joined a massive FC and made so many friends there, and it completely changed the way I interacted with the game for the better part of 2 years. It was so nice and refreshing having so many friends and an active and friendly community of hundreds of players, with organized FC events and parties and content groups. But thanks to some longstanding issues with deeply-rooted corrupt FC leadership and personal drama with some people in it, I had to leave toward the end of last year for the sake of my own mental health, but I've just been miserable in FFXIV ever since.
When the Dynamis DC opened last year, I moved there with some friends who left my old FC with me for similar reasons, but this ended up being a mistake because Dynamis is a pretty much dead datacenter and we weren't able to get our FC off the ground (we also ended up on the lowest pop server on said dead datacenter, which didn't help), so now we're kind of stuck in limbo with 1-2 people online at a time at most and our 50mil FC mansion just feels so empty. Hoping that maybe the Xbox version of the game will help finally populate it after 1.5 years of being a ghost town, or that SE enables regional DF + PF. It was free to move there, but it would cost us $18 USD to leave, and we'd all lose our personal houses and FC house, and there's no guarantee we'd all even be able to move to the same server because of congestion issues. I also just feel bad and I feel responsible because moving was my idea, and now I'm basically the only one that still plays. It's been an endless source of depression and frustration and regret for me, and while I still log in, raid, and do other things in the game every week, it's so much less enthusiastically and less often than before. At first I thought it was burnout, but I think this term "social death" fits so much better. I'm not burnt out or tired of the game or the content, I'm tired of not having friends to do it with anymore, and I feel trapped in this situation with no good way out 💔 There's so much I want to do in the game, but I just feel so alone every day outside of static raid hours 🙁
I have a FC full of new people working up through various things, which is dope, but I've given up hope of doing any sort of new modern content for gear or story, until we're all like 20 levels higher, so I can try to cheese it with a couple people. It's the only thing I don't like about this game
Been playing for almost ten years now, one thing I learned is don't put all your eggs in one basket. I've had friend circles come and go, but keeping myself open to new encounters keeps things fresh. I have only 1 friend still playing from the day we both first started and we formed a fc together. That fc is gone, so is the second, third and fourth we joined. The big fc I joined is all but a husk. I can remember times in friend circle cycles instead of patches. I also feel discord was the greatest blessing. Friendships last longer than the past because we stay connect even if not in 14.
It goes beyond FFXIV or WoW unfortunately. I've had this issue with FFXIV when it was my main hobby, with Project Zomboid when it became my main one, then switched back to XIV, but for the longest time, it was online writing rpg communities. I started 20 years ago. It's a long, long time. I've met hundreds of people. Had a feeling of belonging. But the way I look at it now, it is because of time ; we grow older. We have less time. More responsibilities. Less energy to spend in socializing. I wish I had the strength to keep up with the people I care about, the energy to talk, have fun, try things, take risks. But it's not something I can afford as easily as I could back when I was a teenager or in my early twenties now. I ended up losing contact with pretty much everyone and shame added itself on top of it all, because for some cases, I was the one who just disappeared without a word.
I think what saddens me the most is that these friendships do feel genuine when they happen. I truly believe I loved these people and they loved me back. I still love them now. But it's not enough. It gets worse when there are romantic relationships involved. It always feels like one is becoming part of the other's group, but it's never both at the same level and when a breakup happens, there's always one that's left behind with nobody to play with.
I think I'm done trying to have friends, it's too tiring to meet the social criterias everyone is expected to follow and there's always too much drama. I just want to feel good on the moment itself.
Was my situation too, had nobody to play with and I wanted to do hardcore raiding. I was also going through a tough time IRL too so that reflected in game when I met new people. I kept joining new groups and finding people that share mutual interest with me when it comes to playing XIV and that's how I met some amazing people. Leaving groups in good terms and staying in touch with the people that I enjoyed playing with.
The irony is that the solution to social death is to simply meet new people and find people that you can connect with.
From my personal experience gaming wise, a variety of experiences with friends really helps bind people. My friends i met were through university at the archery club, but then we expanded our interactions with common grounds like gaming, eating, Airsoft etc.
Final fantasy has the potential to fulfill this, but it is limited by general game fatigue. A key issue i have noticed from people in FF is that people don't really talk about things, life, or do stuff outside of FF in FF.
Maybe try other things in game? I pvp when i login, but i only got into the scene thanks to the community run stuff, events, and friends in it. Otherwise the general PvP participants are as toxic as nuclear waste LOL.
I'd say try clubbing/wallflower, but that'll likely trigger your social anxiety to the max without a friend or something to support you.
I hope things get better for you! And in the manner of the silly wave, I salute your commitment and bravery of expression!
o7
Your player name seems familiar… you didn't happen to play on Brynhildr at some point?
This really hits home for me.
I ended up in deleting my discord account, switching my characters name, went to a new server and joined a dead fc, because I am playing this game as singleplayer now.
Most of the people playing this game are … mentally unstable and you have to work the way they want it. If you don’t, you’re doomed.
I feel sorry for them because 14 is all they have in their life and nothing more… but I dont want to be part of this anymore
Lmao this is definitely a common thing as someone that has been playing for years, practically from the beginning.
Hell in the beginning it was cool with a small but not too small community, hell there was mad chatter in region chat and you could get to know people from multiple fcs and the clique thing wasn’t really there because folks were a lot more open
Now these days tho because the community has increased now you feel like your surrounded by a sea of strangers, worse a lot of the new folks don’t like to talk and funnily enough there is even less talk in chats in general unless you solely join a linkshell with the purpose of talking your head off
I often walk around talking to folks to met new people but eh it just is t the same anymore, I think the game benifitted from relic areas like Bozja and Eureka were folks like chatting and grouping up and grinding
Now tho it’s either just dungeons craft or raid
Dungeons will burn you out, crafting will work your brain and raiding, lol well you know raiding problem
The relic areas tho? You literally just gamed and chilled with people and had fun doing it and the punishments in them were not to harsh so there wasn’t any big baby rage like you get in raids😂😂😂
Me personally tho I’m looking forward to the dlc and that’s why I’m still grinding lol
Plus making friends ain’t a problem with me and I do my best to keep in contact with people
I feel like I've reached my social death in this game a while back. I started in 2020 and it was the most magical experience I've had, and I even had a few good friends to experience it with! Unfortunately only months later, drama broke out again and again, and the group kinda dwindled down. I experienced my social death the same year I started.
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to fully recover from it, even now. There are times I hop on with the friends that still play but those moments of joy don't last long.
I'm a VERY casual player, one who prefers to RP, chat, maybe do some silly dungeon runs for nonserious reasons, but (no shame to those friends I still got) everyone else that still plays prefers doing high end content or be in a static. I tried joining them on the savage raiding content but I just….couldn't. The anxiety was crippling. It doesn't help that my social anxiety is very very bad…
Aside from doing MSQ, I'm wandering a beautiful world by my lonesome with everything yet nothing to do, and I find it hard to enjoy it like I did in my sprout days.
If it weren't for the fact that I'm the lead of an FC, with an FC house and a private house, I would've just quit. Even now as I talk about this, I'm not sure if I'll ever recover from it cuz I feel like I've tried every avenue to revive it.
Sometimes I wish I could be that innocent sprout again.
I've been playing ff14 solo since 2013. Never been in a static and I am currently in a solo fc. I kinda gave up on trying to make friends in that game. I just enjoy the game so playing it solo with youtube/netflix on the side has been good enough for me for the last decade.
Many seem to forget that it took some initial efford to find a group/friends in the first place. Assuming it'll always stay the same even if no more efford is put in. A simple "nice glam" in tells can go a long way.
I definitely went through a social death and resurrection with how many statics, Twitter groups and FCs I had joined in the hopes of finding a spot that felt for me, I never truly did.
There was a long period where I just logged in, waved to my FC mates at the time, GPosed twitter content for 8 hours and just felt empty. It was after I really let myself let go of those leashes (FFXIV Twitter, Gposing so much, those FCs that I was joining in desperation, realized I was not bad at raiding or statics but I just genuinely didn’t like the raid content.)
And I ended up not deleting my character but changing their appearance and identity in a spiritual revival (I’m not wasting the hours I put into this game, I find that really fucking stupid to do), left for a new world and struck out on my own.
Little did I know that was the best move I ever made and has revitalized my love for FF14. I met friends by just labbing jobs and running into players, two I met would ultimately create a new FC with me, become my closest confidants in FF14 and I realized that once I took that power for myself and stopped giving it away — I found where I truly belonged, I made that belonging for myself and have seen such an improvement in my FF14 life by taking it into my own hands and taking risks. Truly if we got Corsair or Gambler, that would be my main job because fortune truly favors the bold.
I know it’s not the perfect solution and not everyone can, but every bird should try to leave their nest and explore the new pastures on their own. Take a risk. Make a move. Do something for yourself because the social aspects are not the end all be all, there are millions of players in this game, you will find SOMEONE. I found that learning to live for myself, realize that I am not the past, and let those someones find you made my experience better. I don’t mind the content droughts at all cuz I don’t mind logging on just to vibe with the crew I’ve built and even if they aren’t around, I still to love myself and enjoy being my character.
FFXIV has one of the most toxic communities I've ever seen
You're not alone, boss. I'm from Crystal if you're ever looking for a content buddy.
My FC is currently quite quiet itself, I keep telling myself that it won't be like this forever, but maybe I'm wrong. I guess only time will tell.
It was nice to hear someone else put into words the way I've felt. It's really is hard getting back out there after not having to put myself out there for such a long time.
I can completely relate, especially the first time I experienced an FC falling apart (after becoming exactly the last type of FC I wanted to be apart of), but also as an Aussie on NA, hell even relate to your married-to-someone-that-barely-plays with my IRL partner, which made the loss of our FC even harder for me. I barely even played when EW launched, despite being so insanely excited before.
When Materia popped up, I strongly considered moving but it was just cut off by meeting new people at the right time, that then went on to us forming our BLU/Ult static.
At this point we have people from all timezones of NA, western europe and 3 aussies (me included) which makes scheduling a nightmare. I love this group and wouldnt trade it for anything, even with the trouble it brings.
I guess this is to say, social death is only ever temporary. Opportunities will always show up in this game, and its something I'm thankful for beyond words, and hey if you ever wanna hang out with another aussie on at aussie times, and dont mind DC traveling to Crystal, hit me up.
Death is such an absolute word. You can always start again.
My FC has always been small.. but these days even the vets don't login anymore.
I hate that it's dead but I also don't want to sacrifice my peace and comfort joining a new FC. I've done it before and it did not go well.
So now I'm just kind of.. stuck there. It's like playing solo but with fc buffs.
This happens in every mmo and in life as well. When your social circle shrinks, you either adapt or find a new one.
In every mmo I’ve played, there were social opportunities, people to talk to. XIV is not unique in this, in the good or bad aspects.
My fc is basically the ex-gf, myself and random sprouts from novice that play for weeks then hardcore go on break. I don't care anymore about making friends because the real ones are the ones that stick with you to the end even if they are in different FCs. I just run the FC behind the shadows making gil. Just hide in a solo FC with a house if you want to, it's probably better.
The community didn't want to listen to me when I said back in ARR.
It was a nice rework what yoshi did, but the game lost that fundamental FFXI core when the new team redesigned everything. There was previously an element of danger in the game's open world and a sense that you needed the help of others to get progress and loot. FFXIV is a game that is focusing on making MMO content solo friendly to catch more players in it's net. What comes with that strategy is a gradual weakening of the social element of the game. Players can make so much progress without interacting with anyone, that the community has changed a lot since the 2nd expansion. The game now attracts antisocial gamers who just want something to play that appears social, but isn't.
I think we get the same experience looking back on old friend groups when we move on in adulthood. It can be intense, especially when you don't make new friends to take the place of the old ones. You just end up sitting at home alone or playing MMOs by yourself. There are other games out there and there are other places to make close friends.
It's definitely the nature of online relationships being perceived as important as IRL relationships, but being much more volatile and erratic by nature. I've met a lot of great people on FFXIV and I still keep in contact with one of them, but it's hard to maintain a healthy relationship with people you haven't even seen yet.
A lot of the friends I've met on there kind of fell off due to IRL drama, weird 3rd parties making the environment awkward, moving onto other games, or just simply meeting new people and disconnecting from their previous friends. And I never take it personally because people have their reasons much like I do. I just wish I can tell them all that I'm grateful for their time and wish nothing but the best for their lives.
I've joined really good statics except one that I left since the red flags are everywhere. It was for a TEA static with a mother-son in it and they kept getting stuck at Limit Cut. I left not because I want to clear it quickly (I just wanted a chill group to raid with people who know what they're doing).
My static for the entire ShB + UWU are really cool people and while I have quit the game I am still in contact with them and sometimes hang out IRL.
Drama is abundant outside of FC/raiding too. I used to do hunts a lot; being in a spawner LS and outside of the usual early pullers, plugins like Sonar became rampant and these people would report to the LS/CWLS while a group is trying to spawn them and never did any effort trying to spawn the S-ranks.
I play in a JP datacenter and some of us do know Japanese enough to act is intermediary to relay information. One server has stopped relaying their A trains to certain people because they got really annoyed with bad behaviour of some people.
i was trying to explain this to my fc lead the other day and couldnt find the right words but you deadass nailed it.
I got ghosted by my FC/friend group early in the year. It sucks. I found a new FC and friend group. It's not as robust as the previous group, but it has kept me from losing it and I have made a few good friends, so it wasn't a total wash. The only thing that gets to me about the whole thing anymore is that I have no idea why it happened. I'll probably never find out.
I've never been able to actually find a social circle I feel comfortable in. I'm almost always just by myself or with my bestfriend. Nothing sticks and everything just feels so ephemeral unless you're EXTREMELY EXTREMELY special as a person.
Do you guys have friends on XIV? Men, what a dream… I don't have any friends in the game or irl for that matter, is always has been me and the game only. And well, what can I say? I play the game alone almost all the time, not even in a FC I am. I like the role and story of the game so I just start an alt and start the game anew, just walking in the forest of gridania, me and my character, thinking about her backstory or the story in general, seeing how all those people talk with each other… in my case is not that strange for I have always been that, an observer. Me and solitude will be eternal companions, I know that. But for someone who is more social than me I can see how this could affect you. Cheer up, my friend, there is always a tomorrow, and when there is a tomorrow there is a chance to things go in a different direction. Best wishes. 🙂
EZ fix: don't be terminally online and don't rely on online relationships to replace IRL ones.
Online relationships are always so fickle to the point where I don't even see people I meet online as being potential friends because it will never compare to having a friendship with someone you can physically interact with, so it's hard to feel any attachment. I can act friendly, but it's for the sake of keeping the static/FC alive for a while so I can complete savage raids.
Try play Black Desert Online, then you will know what social death is
having a similar issue. hard to find people i have stuff in common with who play the game consistently. also i am cf so i have a tough time being friends with people who have kids and want to talk about them all the time. this is a super specific issue, but it's caused me to not have much patience for people who don't have other interests other than their kids. we're playing a game, i'd like to have fun with people while playing the game, not play psychiatrist because they're burnt out from childcare lol
i know exactly how you feel, It comes in waves esp. the bonds you make. The Umbral & Astral Eras, i've been through it multiple times, unexpected calamities of social circles, be it statics or FCs, it may take long time to feel recovered, hurts but in emptiness, yet you are not alone, everyday there are opportunities to build new circles, i've become more reliant on social media, and discords to keep tabs on everyone i've ever met due to friendlist/linkshell limitations more than ever before mostly due to DCT. Whats important is maintaining bridges to stay in touch with those you cherished spending time with when time comes for anyone to move on in their life, remember them, reach out to them time to time wishing them the best, while continuously meeting new people, don't limit yourself to one DC, or Region, There is always sprout out there who needs your help. I'm in Social Death again but by choice as i'm retired from raiding, more of wanderer, endlessly passing by friends, seeing them off to adventures for their Prog in Streams. Don't be scared if you are experience Social Death now, like the Sun, Dawn will always come, i no longer became the lead of groups for events, but i became more supportive role for other people who wants to take up those mantles, the person people can rely on with experience you gained in raiding, to be there if people need, as there is Always someone out there who will need you, to meet in roulette or even bond with. Login everyday just making other peoples day better, while emptiness and the dread of loneliness sets in as you login, wondering what to do before character spawns, deep down i know i'll always find people to spend time with in this game, be it casual or not. During one these periods of Social Death, i decided to make an Alt in every region before Endwalker released, while going through MSQ was time consuming, i made new friendships in each region, having that ability to connect with more people, whenever on daily basis has been pleasant experience, tedious but well worth it. I just wish they'd give sales on Books to get another alt on OCE faster.
I said some stupid things in the first two FCs I'd been a part of, leaving one and getting kicked out of the other.
Nowadays, I just stay distant because I'm afraid of accidentally causing drama.
Ill be your friend, uwu 🙂
I've been playing ffxi retail and tonight a guy came and helped me unlock paladin cause I was struggling, game is great and ffxiv could really learn from its predecessor
I've never made any friends in ffxiv, I've played on and off for 2 years, there's no incentive for me to make friends in this game, it's an rpgmmo
Been playing since 1.0 . Everything you've said is on point and resonates. It is what it is I guess. Only regular thing is a static to talk to, everything else fades. Sometimes you get a core group and you organize other games to play together, that is what holds it between big patches/expansions.
This is a thing that we as a society have seemly forgotten about or just dont want to talk about, social groups can die and it's sad but you must move on. You will be alone for a time, everyone is alone at a point in their life do not be sad for what you have lost. it just makes your next friends more valuable
I lost "my group" in ARR. Found another and lost it during HW. And same thing in Stormblood. After Stormblood I just quit playing regularly and only came back for story patches and that exacerbated to loneliness issue. I don't care to do high-end content, I haven't since WoW's original WOTLK expansion. I got burned out of raiding entirely. Not to mention work-life balance, and I have a hard time remembering fight strategies unless I hammer them in by doing them a over and over. Which doesn't happen because I lose my drive playing solo with randos. I hope you find yourself a new group of friends. I've found a nice FC, though I wouldn't call any of them friends yet. They're friendly and helpful but they're also on a whole other level from me.
I've left an FC over a year ago. Never bothered to find a new one. Was tired of cliques and favoritism tbh. Riding solo is fine for me and just made me realize how pointless FC's really are unless you want to get involved in some drama, because you can do any content in this game without one.